Is My Relationship Abusive?

Because many survivors grew up in homes where abuse was the norm, they often have a hard time identifying and acknowledging abuse in their adult lives. In Getting Free, Ginny NiCarthy gives some guidelines for recognizing abusive relationships. Has your partner done any of these things to you?

Physical Abuse

	Pushed or shoved you
	Slapped, bit, kicked or choked you
	Hit or punched you
	Abandoned you in a dangerous place
	Subjected you to reckless driving or kept you from driving
	Threatened to hurt you with a weapon
	Held you to keep you from leaving or locked you out of the house
	Thrown objects at you
	Refused to help when you were sick, injured, or pregnant
	Raped you

Sexual Abuse

	Made demeaning remarks about women
	Been jealously angry
	Minimized the importance of your feelings about sex
	Insisted on unwanted touching
	Called you names like "whore" or "frigid"
	Had affairs with other women after agreeing to monogamy
	Forced particular unwanted sex acts
	Committed sadistic sexual acts
	Treated women as sex objects
	Insisted you dress in a more sexual way than you would like
	Criticized you sexually
	Withheld sex and affection
	Forced you to strip when you didn't want to
	Publicly shown interest in other women
	Forced sex
	Forced sex after beating

Emotional Abuse

	Ignored your feelings
	Insulted your valued beliefs, religion, race, heritage, or class
	Insulted your family or friends
	Humiliated you
	Kept you from working, controlled your money, made all the decisions
	Regularly threatened to leave or told you to leave
	Manipulated you with lies and contradictions
	Ridiculed or insulted women as a group
	Withheld approval or affection as a punishment
	Criticized you, called you names, shouted at you
	Refused to socialize with you
	Refused to work or share money
	Taken car keys or money away
	Threatened to hurt you or your family
	Threatened to kidnap the children if you left him
	Abused pets to hurt you

Although some items are clearly more dangerous than others, almost all of them are potentially dangerous, and all show a lack of respect and an effort to intimidate and control you. One problem with accepting a certain level of abuse is that there's a tendency for the abusive person to interpret it as permission to escalate the assaults into more dangerous and frequent acts. You're the only one who can decide how much is too much and what you're ready to do about it, but it's important to recognize what's being done to you and to know that you don't have to take it.