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Are you a batterer?
- Do you lose your temper frequently or easily?
- Do you drink alcohol or use drugs excessively?
- Are you extremely jealous of other people important to your partner?
- Do you monopolize the free time of your partner?
- Do you insist on knowing where your partner is at all times?
- Do you have rigid ideas about the roles for wives and husbands?
- Did you dad hit your mom?
If you answered 'yes' to these questions, you may be a batterer. Get
support, understanding, and help to change at ACAPP (208) 376-3330. If
the above questions apply to your partner, you may be abuse. For help,
call ACAPP (208) 376-3330; YWCA (208) 343-3688; Mercy House (208) 467-4130;
Project Dove (503) 889-6316.
Abuse may be present if . . .
- you feel controlled by your partner's looks, actions, voice, or threats.
- you feel crazy or bad about yourself because he/she says you cause
all the problems.
- there is a sense of overkill in your partner's cruelty or kindness.
- you are fearful when your partner is angry.
- your behavior constantly focuses on keeping your partner from becoming
angry.
You are being abused if . . .
- you are kicked, shoved, slapped, chased, punched, thrown, or worse.
- you are afraid to express your feelings for fear of your partner's
response.
- you are forced to have sex against your will.
- you are forcibly isolated from friends and relatives.
Things you should know:
- Drinking DOES NOT cause abuse!
- It only takes ONE person to be violent!
- Only batterers can STOP the abuse--not the person being abused!
- Just because your partner is sorry DOES NOT mean the abuse will stop!
My partner is very sorry. . . . How do I know it won't happen
again?
Answers to these questions will help you decide if you feel
safe and secure:
- Has your partner stopped being violent or threatening towards you
and others?
- Does your partner still make you afraid?
- Can your partner be angry without becoming verbally or physically
abusive?
- Can you express anger toward your partner without being attacked?
- Can your partner hear and respect what you say even though he/she
may not agree?
- Can your partner negotiate with you without being accusatory or controlling?
- Can your partner respect your right to say "no?"
- Can your partner let you know what he/she is feeling most of
the time?
- Is your partner able to express feelings other than anger?
- Does he/she still make you feel responsible for his/her anger
and frustrations?
- Does your partner respect your right to be different and to make
your own decisions?
- Do you feel respected and listened to when you speak?
- Can you go out, or to school, or get a job without permission?
YWCA Crisis Line (208) 343-7025; MERCY HOUSE Crisis Line
(208) 465-5011; PROJECT DOVE Crisis Line (503) 889-2000
Five types of violence of high-conflict divorcing families identified
by Dr. Janet R. Johnston
On-Going and Episodic Male Battering most closely resembles
the battered wife syndrome described by Lenore Walker and may be present
in up to 18% of high-conflict divorcing families. In this type, potential
for violence remains high after separation.
Female-Initiated Violence (where women ALWAYS initiate
the physical attack) may be present in up to 15% of high-conflict divorcing
families. Moderately severe violence can occur if the men lose control
while restraining these attacking women.
Separation-Engendered and Post-Divorce Trama: Violence
occurs ONLY during or after the separation period with no violence during
the marriage itself and may be present in up to 25% of high-conflict
divorcing families. The physical violence is generally initiated by the
parent who feels abandoned and this can be either the man or the woman.
Male-Controlling Interactive Violence escalates from
mutual verbal provocation and insults into physical struggles and may
be present in up to 20% of high-conflict divorcing families. Either parent
initiates physical aggression, however, the man asserts control by physically
dominating and overpowering the woman. The men in this type become more
dangerous and threatening the more she struggles and counterattacks.
Psychotic and Paranoid Reactions result in violence
generated by disordered thinking and serious distortions of reality involving
paranoia and may be present in up to 6% of high-conflict divorcing families.
In all of these cases, the separation itself triggers an accute phase
of danger.
Effects of Battering Over Time On:
Women:
- isolation from others
- low self-esteem, depression
- increased alcohol or drug abuse
- emotional problems, illness
- pain and injuries
- permanent physical damage
- death
Children:
- emotional problems, illness
- increased fears, anger
- increased risk of abuse, injuries, and death
- reptition of abuse behavior
Men:
- increased belief that power and control are achieved by violence
- increase in violent behavior
- increased contact with law enforcement
- increased emotional problems
- decreased self-esteem
Society:
- increase in crime
- increase in legal, police, prison, medical, and counseling costs
- perpetuation of cycle of violence
- perpetuation of myths of inequality of women and men
- decrease in quality of life
Using Physical and Sexual Violence to get Power and Control
Using Intimidation:
- making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
- smashing things
- destrying her property
- abusing pets
- displaying weapons
Using Emotional Abuse:
- putting her down
- making her feel bad about herself
- calling her names
- making her think she's crazy
- playing mind games and humiliating her
- making her feel guilty
Using Isolation:
- controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads,
where she goes
- limiting her outside involvement
- using jealousy to justify actions
Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming:
- making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously
- saying the abuse didn't happen
- shifting responsibility for abusive behavior
- saying she caused it
Using Children:
- making her feel guilty about the children
- using the children to relay messages
- using visitation to harass her
- threatening to take the children away
Using Male Privilege:
- treating her like a servant
- making all the big decisions
- acting like the "master of the castle"
- being the one to define men's and women's roles
Using Economic Abuse:
- preventing her from getting or keeping a job
- making her ask for money
- giving her an allowance
- taking her money
- not letting her know about or have access to family income
Using Coercion and Threats:
- making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her
- threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare
- making her drop charges
- making her do illegal things
Instead, Use Non-Violence and Equality
Non-Threatening Behavior:
- talking and acting so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing
herslef and doing things
Respect:
- listening to her nonjudgmentally
- beling emotionally affirming and understanding
- valuing opinions
Trust and Support:
- supporting her goals in life
- respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities, and
opinions
Honesty and Accountability:
- accepting responsibility for self
- acknowledging past use of violence
- admitting being wrong
- communicating openly and truthfully
Responsible Parenting:
- sharing parental responsibilties
- being a positive non-violent role mode for the children
Shared Responsibility:
- mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work
- making family decisions together
Economic Partnership:
- making money decisions together
- making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements
Negotiation and Fairness:
- seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict
- accepting change
- being willing to compromise
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