CHILDREN FEEL LOVED IF THEY HAVE REGULAR CONTACT WITH PARENTS.

Children feel they are not loved by a parent who doesn't see them regularly. Children interpret lack of contact as lack of love. So that children feel loved, it is very important for parents to work together to encourage a healthy relationship between children and their far away parent.

Families separated by distances know "... distance feels final, and gives tangible proof that the parents are separated. A common reaction of children is to fantasize about Mom and Dad getting back together. If a parent or a child has been hoping, however unconsciously, that the old family feeling or the old marriage was not finished, long distance will bring that hope painfully to the surface" (Ricci 206).

Children of all ages need to have clear and exact understanding of how and when they will have that all-important contact with Mom or Dad. Separation hurts and when children don't know when they will see or hear from a parent it unnecessarily adds to their pain.

Regardless of the reason for encouraging children not to love or be with their other parent, when children grow up they usually blame the home-base parent for the relationship they didn't get to have with their other parent.

Parents can use the same ways they use to encourage a positive healthy relationship between children and their far away grandparents. For instance - speak positively about the other parent, fell children it's OK to love their other parent, help children look forward to being with their other parent, talk about their being with the other parent as safe and enjoyable, let children have photos of their far away parent, help them keep a scrapbook of the time with their far away parent, be happy and excited when children receive mail or photo's from their other parent, and make it possible for children to be at home during the time their other parent has arranged to telephone.

Children are sensitive to how parents feel and believe they will hurt one parent if they enjoy being with their other parent. Parents help children by assuring them they deserve to feel good about their relationships with both parents! Reassure children that enjoying a good relationship with one parent doesn't take away from their relationship with the other parent.

A common complaint from children who see a far away parent is that they spend more time with the stepparent and stepfamily thin they do with their Mom or Dad. Often children have been looking forward to this time and have all kinds of expectations about how they will spend the time with their Dad or Mom. Discuss ahead of time what will be happening and what children can expect when they will be with their far away parent. Children always cope better when they have predictability.

Children treasure time alone with a parent they haven't seen for a while. Parents should include work, play and time alone with children when they are together. Plan some one-on-one time with each child!

This is a common concern among parents whether or not they live far away. Children need to be able to manage their own relationship with a stepparent. Sometimes a parent gives the impression their feelings are hurt or children are disloyal if children like a stepparent. This unfairly puts children in the middle of parents' insecurities and creates unnecessary stress for children. Children do best when they are free to choose whether or not they like 'their stepparents. Children can thrive when they have several grownups that care about them.

Children who haven't seen a parent in a long time often believe they are unlovable. Parents need to reassure children they are LOVABLE and that parents will always love them (even though parents don't always like everything children say or do). Children under age seven need to be told they are lovable over and over because their brains don't understand "always" yet.

Because parents can't "fix" what happens between children and their other parent, parents' greatest gift is to listen to children and offer them comfort. If parents talk down about the other parent, children are forced to take sides and are caught in the middle. Children feel guilty and disloyal when they take-sides by DEFENDING a parent or by NOT DEFENDING a parent being cut down. This is not fair to children and is harmful. Children need room to learn about both parents on their own.

Children benefit greatly when a parent they haven't seen or heard from in months or years reestablishes REGULAR AND PREDICTABLE contact. Often the home-base parent mistrusts the motives of the reappearing parent or wants to punish that parent for not being around. The home-base parent may feel the other parent gave up all rights to a relationship with the children by disappearing out of the children's lives. Maybe the home-base parent wants to protect the children from building hope only to have the other parent leave again.

It is important to understand children benefit when they have a chance to rebuild a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP with their other parent, It is also important that this relationship is rebuilt gradually to allow trust to develop. Obviously, parents must take care to keep the relationship from being interrupted again so children don't have to go through additional unnecessary pain.

There are additional financial burdens when parenting long-distance. Vicki Lansky in her Divorce Book for Parents, (163) suggests, "Try to accept that all these costs are simply extra and think of them as you would any other investment with long-term benefits." Dr. Ricci (205) suggests parents consider these questions: Who will pay for travel: Both parents? In what proportions? What about rising costs? What priority will travel money have in family budgets? What happens if somebody fails to come through? Will older children contribute? Will certain money-saving measures be written into the agreement to ensure the lowest fares?

1. Reassure your children you will still be connected with them when they are living with their other parent.
2. Give your child immediate proof of your connection with him or her - a phone call on arrival at the new place, perhaps a phone installed in the child's room.
3. Contact your child's school so you know a little about his or her world.
4. Call your children (who are old enough) at least weekly.
5. Give your children stamped, self-addressed envelopes and post cards so they can write to you.
6. Send cassette or videotapes of yourself, reading bedtime stories, showing parts of your day, etc.
7. Mail pictures of you, your life and environment.
8. Collect things that remind you of your children and put them in a "Thinking of you" box. Date the items, and look at them together next time they are with you.
9. When calling on special occasions, predetermined times for phone calls are usually helpful.
10. If your budget allows, try watching a TV show or TV sports event "together" by phone for awhile, longdistance.
11. Keep a running list (like a grocery list) of things you'd like to share with your children during the week. Encourage your children to do the same.
12. Children love to receive mail, so write as often as you can. Even a postcard is enjoyed. This is not the time to preach and teach. Parents mistakenly believe preaching and teaching proves they are good parents.
13. Each time your children are with you be prepared for changes - new habits, likes and dislikes.
14. Let your children know you miss them, but that you have an interesting life that continues when they are not with you, so that they don't feel guilty about your loneliness.
15. Take advantage of children's activities in your community: library story hours, park programs, day camps.
16. Videotape your activities with your children so they can watch themselves with you between the times they see you.

Telephone calling doesn't work well at this age because children are unable to speak well. Frequent reminders that their for away parent exists and cares about the child are important to help the child hold a memory of the parent in mind. Phone calls are more possible at the later end of this stage even though children this age won't do much talking. Hearing a parent's voice is the main goal of a call.

1. Send many pictures.
2. Send cassette or videotapes of yourself:

1. Plan to watch the same T.V. program and then phone to discuss it.
2. Practice reading over the phone by sending your child a reading book at his/her level and listening with your own copy in front of you.
3. Send local objects or news clippings of interest. Pick favorite topics - computers, new fashion trends, whatever your child is interested in. Preaching is usually not well received.
4. Send coded messages. These can be sent in postcard form after the initial code "dictionary" is sent. (Receiving a postcard each day is great fun for children who love mail.)
5. Send magic tricks - children adore these.
6. Purchase some equipment for your children's special hobbies or interests. Things like dance shoes, a football, the next karate belt, a backpack, or a lunch box With 3 Special character. The idea is that something that is a part of your child's life was sent specifically by you.
7. Send a cute card when you don't have much to say.
8. Work up a game of chess or checkers you can play by mail.

Teenagers can assume some responsibility for traveling to be with their far away parent. However, whether parents live together or separately, teenage years are when individual interests, school, sports and friends can seem more important than being with 2 parent. Also, part time jobs can be important to teenagers during breaks from school.